Dangerous Prayer

I love this statement: "Dangerous Prayer"

I lived a life so un-secure. Not to mention insecurity. I developed in my psyche the attitude to be strong for the longest of time. Other people under estimates me, or just "concerned" with my health condition.

I didn't like it.

I wanted a secure life, full of life and love. A place where I can be me and develop my strengths and attributes to the fullest. I want a life of A D V E N T U R E !!!!

Yet, I'm still here. Waiting. Wrestling with God. Having a fist fight over my comfort zones.- My emotions, mind and will are in constant struggle for the Lordship of Jesus Christ which was offered years ago.

With discipline to be still. It was impressed upon my heart, that I am small. I am but a speck of dust. All along my plans I thought was grand. But still, since it came from me...it is still small.

Then one day, I prayed what I believe, a "Dangerous Prayer".

"Lord, my dreams are small. I'm tired of having things my way. Take it, its Yours..."

The will followed. Or at least, I believe my psyche followed that declaration. I am still haggling my case to God, but now I believe I prayed a dangerous prayer. May He grant me the grace to let go of the temporary and embrace His Lordship and see in the eyes of faith what is in store for me.

I'm tired of being pissed off by people. I guess I can see their hearts. Their hearts mirrors mine. I want my heart will mirror my Lover, my Creator-- Jesus Christ. Let peace reign in my heart. I want to rise on higher ground.

I want to love unconditionally as my Lover did.

I want to live dangerously.

Mentors on the Journey

I really enjoy it when I am in the presence of mentors. I am always in awe how much discipline and sacrifices they went through just to achieve their level right now. I am not after their position or status, but I love the way they are able to share wisdom to me and how willing they are to coach me through life if not to journey with you along the way.

One mentor told me: " Bata ka pa...OK lang yan." ( "You are still young. It's Ok."-On having a relationship). In terms of her age and mine, she would really tell me that. But comparing me to my pears, I think I am way ahead.

Speaking to these people gives a Placebo effect on me. I am calmed, believing everything is alright.

I am not always the type who are asking questions. I am not confrontational. I just want to hear what a person has to say.I get wisdom from people for what they did or did not do. There are issues in life that I did not quite understand in the past. For people who did not wisely walked the path, I can say that I was quite afraid to journey the path myself. But as I go along, It seems the journey is inevitable. We will pass through stages of life.

I don't understand why people must journey alone? There are available men and women of wisdom who can be trusted and can journey with us? These mentors does not impose what they know but they allow the person to understand and decide what path to take. To be accountable with someone who cares for you lessens the probability to pick the wrong choice. For there is someone who was there already. It helps us not to repeat the same mistakes (SIN) again.

Mentors remind me of the perspective that God is mindful of me and that I should be a good steward of my time. Now that I'm still single, This is the best time to maximize my time and resources to honor God in my singleness. I know, in God's beautiful time God has someone prepared for me. Together we will serve the Lord wherever He may lead.

I always love to be at the feet of mentors who, the best that they can is obeying God. God bless these people in my life and I want them at my wedding. Hahahaha!

The Horrors of Conflict

When I was in college, taking up my Sociology subject, we have been taught on the different Sociological Perspective. I didn't like the Perspective of Conflict that causes change in the society, but eventually, I appreciated it. Power Struggles and radicalism made me wonder, yet had a sense of adventure and pride how you can win over a struggle.

While I'm thinking that conflict fun, in reality when not handled with wisdom and maturity, it is like throwing each other grenade and both parties end up devastated.

It is said that feelings and emotion are neutral. It is neither good nor bad, but the response made due to feelings will determine whether the actions and motives behind are justifiable.

Here in the Philippines, we have a lot to learn in handling conflicts. I wish those who mastered the art of being open, patient and winning back relationship in conflicts would speak up. I have so much to learn.

Based upon the course on relationship I took for my Masters, in handling conflicts, there are 2 goals, you may want to win over the relationship back, or still push through or assert your goal. Or, the two polarities can be met in a compromise.

In my family background, mother is always the one who do the discipline to her children. Father is there but is not involved on the discipline process. What I got from that set up was, we are being punished and we experienced the fury of our mother for the improper things that we do and for disobeying them. I didn't see the element of love during those times. Thus, what I experienced, I subconsciously expressed to the rest of my siblings, if not, to the other persons I am in conflict with. Since I don't go physical, the motives behind the words that crushed my heart are also the same motives I do every time I confront. No GRACE.

I would be in conflict for the reason of people violating my values. When I am not understood, fury is all the more accumulated and eventually will explode to deadly words that would wreck a relationship.

Also, when I am hurt and is not being acknowledged, it is painful. I don't need rationalization. I need people who can receive my mess and willing to journey with me. Emotions are just emotions.

Funny how people retaliate for in fact the way to subside the issue is to just say "SORRY" AND MEAN it. Sorry-in the context of saying, "I have hurt your feelings, I want the relationship back. I'm sorry." not to be Sorry to appease the person, and dropping the whole issue. People would retaliate in questioning the person in conflict with, or even say slander to the other party.

Sometimes, I want to bring the conflict to a boxing or wrestling, just to unload the negative feelings without killing the person by words. "Suntukan na lang" would appease the hurt and the person refusing to say Sorry. After which, all will be OK. Physical aggression has been done.

But I believe if two persons' anger have subsided, and is willing to listen to one another and the Holy Spirit, the love would be sweeter the second time around. It is glorious... This will only happen if both parties are willing.

I am yet to discover the art of peaceful conflict. But I am learning the art of letting Go. Forgiving others. Forgiving myself. Life is not all about me. Maybe their purpose is just to bring out the monster in me that I need to surrender to the cross. Nobody wants to disclose their real selves. Rare gems are the persons who can receive me. My beauty, ugliness and all.

Blessed 2012

Blessing everyone this 2012!!! I would like to thank my dear friend Ms. Josephine Sanchez for slowly and intricately re-designing my nook. Wishing again to unleash inspirations and thoughts from my heart and hope to encourage, challenge and inspire people who would read my posts.

I started the year at the mountains. Together with guy friends and a heart sister, we marvelled, enjoyed walking on the mud in the Rice Terraces of Ifugao. Child in us were released as we enjoy the beauty of God's creation during that long weekend holiday and New Year celebration.

As I prepare our New Year devotion, I asked the Lord what to share.

Deep in my heart, it was impressed upon me the joy and confidence on being a child of God.

¹⁴ For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. ¹⁵ The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry,“Abba ,Father.” ¹⁶The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children.¹⁷ Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. -Romans 8

We have the confidence not to fear, to be ashamed and the glory of it is that we are also co-heirs with Jesus Christ!

But, let us not forget the condition. We will share Jesus' glory if we share in His suffering. People nowadays, always want the rewards without thinking the cost. We don't value what was given because we don't know the hardship that has been before receiving the reward. We can share Christ's glory only if we share in His suffering. Unbelievably, there is joy in the midst of pain of walking in the path of our beautiful Savior, Jesus Christ. We are co-heir, that's the Truth. But to journey with Jesus can we only appreciate the worth of the heir that we receive through Him given by God the Father.

I can not know what the future holds. But this is the assurance. I am a Child of God. The King of Kings and the God of the universe is my personal Father. Who knows me, who adores me like a father adores his little princes. What more can't He not give me?

To put it simply, in my heart language, God calls me "Anak". What comfort! what ownership! What pride on my behalf. That's the blessing of this year. To reflect that I am a Child of God.

I am yet to polish these reflection. To study this passage I know is mind-blowing. I know I will discover more about this passage. :)

Welcome 2012! I Welcome Sprinkles of Grace.