I am present I worn out

I was present for everybody. I juggle studies, work, relationships and ministries.  I always find time to people who would need me. But how about those who need somebody but can't express it? how would I know?  

I was strong, I was healthy. I spent sleepless night trying to finish academic requirements. Pressure is on. Having Church responsibilities on the side. I did not complain. I love what I am doing.

During the last leg of the requirements, I received a report that a cousin in Australia committed suicide. I felt numb. I will always remember the small baby boy who visited us and would always be cranky for he is not understood for we are not that English speaking for we reside in the Philippines. He was the cute boy. Time went by I know that he is a grown up. I was waiting for his visit together with his family next year.

Then, there's the news. He is gone. 

I know I'm physically in shape. But the next day when I woke up, I already have a broken voice and an aching throat. I know that is the start of the sickness. I was able to finish my speaking engagement during the Holy Week, but I reached the end of my strength. I needed to rest.

Then I thought, I can be strong, but when news come about family my guard is down. My strength would fail me.

Yes, I guess my guard was down that time. It is true in what they say, that when a love one departs, you feel a part of you is amputated. Their family is close to our hearts. So, to know that my cousin ended his life is too painful for me. It is also painful to know that they are too far (and to expensive) to visit. If I could only go to Australia and console them. My cousin didn't know there are people on the other side of the globe that loves him if he doesn't feel love in the culture that he is in (knowing his parents, they love him dearly).

There are things I still don't understand. But these circumstance made me ponder about life, death, family, strength and weakness.

Until then, Cousin...you'll be missed. I want to see you though.

Gah! fixated again. I want to hug you  for the last time. : (