I am having this dilemma. I am called "Pastor" in my church now. Technically, I am a leader in church. I love teaching, I am speaking in the pulpit whenever I am assigned to share, I am discipling. But I am quite intimidated to be called "Pastor".
I grew up in a church where Pastoral position is a job, rather than a calling. I am conditioned that because my church is a low income generating church, no pastor would want to serve. Also, my relationship with different pastors in the church was superficial. No shepherd would go an extra mile to reach out to me. Thus, I respect the word "pastor" but my subconscious says otherwise.
When the good Lord showed me what real discipleship means, my life is transformed. I saw authenticity of the Ates and Kuyas in our campus fellowship as they nurture me and offer me their friendship.
I remember when my mother said, "Anak, kakausapin ka daw ni Pastor..." ("Child, Pastor will talk to you"). And I was surprised and didn't know what to feel. I just said with no intention of sarcasm, "Bakit? anong kasalanan ko? hindi kasi ako sanay kausapin ng Pastor. Feeling ko may kinakausap lang sila pag may kasalanan ang tao. Mas sanay pa ako kausapin ako ng mga Ate at Kuya (sa campus fellowship)" ("Why? What's my offense? I am not used to Pastors speaking to me, I feel I committed a sin. I am more comfortable when leaders in my fellowship talks to me." ). Good thing my mother and I didn't start a fight.
Unfortunately, no one is keen enough to observe the way I said about pastors. Yes, being a pastor is a spiritual gift. Spiritual gifts are given to be used to declare God in this world. By God's grace and mercy, I now understand that to be a leader--You (and I) should be the servant of all, as what Jesus did. To be a Pastor is to be a servant. But I am sometimes being turned off with people who makes a Pastoral position a position of "honor" (In a prideful sense as opposed to the honor of serving God), and having a sense of entitlement.
Yes, I am taught to honor my leaders. Especially to those who lead me to be closer with God. But I am still allergic to the term. That's why the pastors close to my heart, I call them Tatay rather than Pastor. I call them "Tatay" for I welcome them wholeheartedly into my life. To rebuke me and me be accountable to them. When I address "Pastor" yes, I respect him/ her as a Pastor, but I have other endearment names for people who have the right in my life.
In my part time job in a Catholic school, I am asked if I am a Pastor. I looked at them and honestly answered- caught off guard, "Yes, I do Pastoral ministries, but I still don't count myself as a Pastor. But some people call me Pastor."
Whichever is my lot, my calling- I would gladly receive it. But right now, I need clarifications. I need clear calling from the Lord. "Pastor" for me is a position. I function through relationships, not in bureaucracy, I really don't fit in the system of this world. But I am thankful that my church now acknowledges spiritual gifts and they regard me as one of the lay "Pastors". With the "name" given to me, I also feel the expectations of people towards a Pastor. I just pray they continue to receive love and vision from the Lord to safeguard what was entrusted to them and to advance God's Kingdom.
I'm still intimidated. I love relationships: I love people- I am a nurturer, but to be a shepherd, I guess, is not in my DNA.I am a free soul. If God would define what is a Pastor to me, and how will I fit His calling, then I will understand and will gladly receive what will be entrusted to me.
I respect people and the office they serve. But I pray church leaders would be secure in who they are in Christ that they will not hide behind the titles and accomplishments they have. We are simply God's children, God's Co-workers, God's servants before men.
This is me. Just thinking out loud.
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