Elusive Me

         I think, I am the most elusive person in campus.  Unlike other students who wants to belong to a group, or students having the charisma eventually being popular in school, I don't mind going to school, listening to the professors, speaking my mind, small chit-chats and go home. I will not defend myself. I might be judged in this post. But like my consistent behavior, I really don't mind.

  

            I had my shares of being left-out. Maybe with the mixture of my temperament that I am melancholic and partly phlegmatic and introverted, I don't argue and assert myself. I thought I relayed what I want to say, but in the end, it is just all in my head. Nothing's changed. I am still left out. I don't know if I developed the defense of just minding my own business and I don't mind.

           I am not the life of the crowd. I am lucky whenever I end up in a fun group. But if a group would expect an entertainment from me, I can just offer them free counseling sessions-- heart to heart sessions. LOL! But I know by God's grace I had developed heart-level friendships.

            Last May, I was invited to a road trip to tour Ilocos Norte and Ilocos Sur by a group of friends from my school. I am happy they invited me. Thank God for the budget provided for that trip. It was a economic-friendly tour. My schoolmate has a van and she brought with her her house! er, kitchen. We ate home cooked meals on the road. We enjoyed the beach and site-seeing.

            I really appreciate their gesture of remembering me. Just to be invited is an honor. It's an unspoken message to me that I am valued and loved.

            I believe these people in school, though they seldom see me lately, I know that they care for me. I am elusive in a sense that I find it difficult to start a conversation. Once I feel that I am welcome, thank you. But just for the sake of chit-chat, It's ok. To go out of their way to invite me speaks a lot.

         I am elusive maybe because I can't stay in one place. Haha! I love travelling. Thank God for opportunities to travel and observe the created order. I can't bear spending hours in the library. I just borrow books, photocopy chapters and I am off to a beautiful cozy spot where I could read with no pressure looking at the "do not disturb me" faces of my schoolmates.

             I am elusive because I love my passion! I am chasing and pursuing what makes me alive. I love to learn. But I have my learning style. I incubate a lot. I believe that learning should not be terrorizing.

              I am elusive but when I feel home, I am home in a group or a person. I am free to be  me and I am willing to speak when I know my heart is safe to bare. I am me.

              I am elusive to people I guess doesn't need me (again, this is not an issue- I don't mind). But when I am in a community where I need to serve, I go out of my way to help and communicate. 

              I just find it funny when I feel that people judge me and find me weird. I am. I appreciate when they get out of their way to ask me. I'll answer. I am not arrogant to pissed them off. I am me and I can't change how I am wired to think, feel and act.

              I'm elusive. In my campus.

              Did I say it's a seminary? LOL.

              Thanks for reading! 

I'm For Relationships not Position

         I am having this dilemma. I am called "Pastor" in my church now. Technically, I am a leader in church. I love teaching, I am speaking in the pulpit whenever I am assigned to share, I am discipling. But I am quite intimidated to be called "Pastor".

          

       I grew up in a church where Pastoral position is a job, rather than a calling. I am conditioned that because my church is a low income generating church, no pastor would want to serve. Also, my relationship with different pastors in the church was superficial. No shepherd would go an extra mile to reach out to me. Thus, I respect the word "pastor" but my subconscious says otherwise.

       When the good Lord showed me what real discipleship means, my life is transformed. I saw authenticity of the Ates and Kuyas in our campus fellowship as they nurture me and offer me their friendship.

  

      I remember when my mother said, "Anak, kakausapin ka daw ni Pastor..." ("Child, Pastor will talk to you"). And I was surprised and didn't know what to feel. I just said with no intention of sarcasm, "Bakit? anong kasalanan ko? hindi kasi ako sanay kausapin ng Pastor. Feeling ko may kinakausap lang sila pag may kasalanan ang tao. Mas sanay pa ako kausapin ako ng mga Ate at Kuya (sa campus fellowship)" ("Why? What's my offense? I am not used to Pastors speaking to me, I feel I committed a sin. I am more comfortable when leaders in my fellowship talks to me." ). Good thing my mother and I didn't start a fight.

      Unfortunately, no one is keen enough to observe the way I said about pastors. Yes, being a pastor is a spiritual gift. Spiritual gifts are given to be used to declare God in this world. By God's grace and mercy, I now understand that to be a leader--You (and I) should be the servant of all, as what Jesus did. To be a Pastor is to be a servant. But I am sometimes being turned off with people who makes a Pastoral position a position of "honor" (In a prideful sense as opposed to the honor of serving God), and having a sense of entitlement.

     

      Yes, I am taught to honor my leaders. Especially to those who lead me to be closer with God. But I am still allergic to the term. That's why the pastors close to my heart, I call them Tatay rather than Pastor. I call them "Tatay" for I welcome them wholeheartedly into my life. To rebuke me and me be accountable to them. When I address "Pastor" yes, I respect him/ her as a Pastor, but I have other endearment names for people who have the right in my life.

     In my part time job in a Catholic school, I am asked if I am a Pastor. I looked at them and honestly answered- caught off guard, "Yes, I do Pastoral ministries, but I still don't count myself as a Pastor. But some people call me Pastor."

    Whichever is my lot, my calling- I would  gladly receive it. But right now, I need clarifications. I need clear calling from the Lord. "Pastor" for me is a position. I function through relationships, not in bureaucracy, I really don't fit in the system of this world.  But I am thankful that my church now acknowledges spiritual gifts and they regard me as one of the lay "Pastors". With the "name" given to me, I also feel the expectations of people towards a Pastor. I just pray they continue to receive love and vision from the Lord to safeguard what was entrusted to them and to advance God's Kingdom.

    I'm still intimidated. I love relationships: I love people- I am a nurturer, but to be a shepherd, I guess, is not in my DNA.I am a free soul. If God would define what is a Pastor to me, and how will I fit His calling, then I will understand and will gladly receive what will be entrusted to me. 

     I respect people and the office they serve. But I pray church leaders would be secure in who they are in Christ that they will not hide behind the titles and accomplishments they have. We are simply God's children, God's Co-workers, God's servants before men.

 This is me. Just thinking out loud.

        

I am present I worn out

I was present for everybody. I juggle studies, work, relationships and ministries.  I always find time to people who would need me. But how about those who need somebody but can't express it? how would I know?  

I was strong, I was healthy. I spent sleepless night trying to finish academic requirements. Pressure is on. Having Church responsibilities on the side. I did not complain. I love what I am doing.

During the last leg of the requirements, I received a report that a cousin in Australia committed suicide. I felt numb. I will always remember the small baby boy who visited us and would always be cranky for he is not understood for we are not that English speaking for we reside in the Philippines. He was the cute boy. Time went by I know that he is a grown up. I was waiting for his visit together with his family next year.

Then, there's the news. He is gone. 

I know I'm physically in shape. But the next day when I woke up, I already have a broken voice and an aching throat. I know that is the start of the sickness. I was able to finish my speaking engagement during the Holy Week, but I reached the end of my strength. I needed to rest.

Then I thought, I can be strong, but when news come about family my guard is down. My strength would fail me.

Yes, I guess my guard was down that time. It is true in what they say, that when a love one departs, you feel a part of you is amputated. Their family is close to our hearts. So, to know that my cousin ended his life is too painful for me. It is also painful to know that they are too far (and to expensive) to visit. If I could only go to Australia and console them. My cousin didn't know there are people on the other side of the globe that loves him if he doesn't feel love in the culture that he is in (knowing his parents, they love him dearly).

There are things I still don't understand. But these circumstance made me ponder about life, death, family, strength and weakness.

Until then, Cousin...you'll be missed. I want to see you though.

Gah! fixated again. I want to hug you  for the last time. : (

In Honor of him Who Led me to Him

There is a battle within me lately. No, I'm not desperate, but I am highly frustrated with the supposed to be first man in my life. To make the long list frustrations short, I am in the verge of quitting when it comes to him. I don't need to elaborate his short comings, but for those who know me personally, you can guess why am I frustrated with the guy.

As I write all my rants to my Maker, he made me realize that I owe my spiritual renewal from a guy friend. A  man. I was challenged on how intimate he is to his God. We were both leaders in our respective churches, yet I saw how contented and happy he were in serving. Whereas, I am putting up a show. I am miserable inside.

I admire this friend of mine. He saw the beauty I don't see in me. He would call me up everyday asking me how I am and sharing how good is his God in his life . I envy him. I admire him for the quality of relationship he has with God. I covet that kind of relationship. 

After months of seeking, I found Him. His unfailing love that transforms me. When people wants the best of me, Jesus Christ wants my all- the beauty and ugliness in me. He wants it. From that time on, I was never the same again.

As for my friend, his life that led me to have real LIFE. I learned to love him. I guess, he loved me too (*blush*) yet, that time was not a season for us to be together. We were 14 years old back then. Now I am in my mid 20's, I still have not meet him. I hope to meet him. I don't know if he is already married. I just hope the Life that he shared to me is still the Life that he is living in this challenging times.

I thank God for glimpses. I felt loved and met a guy who loves the Lord more than me. Thinking right now, my God is indeed a jealous God. He wants me all to Himself. He is the author of Love. I am secure of His love and that His timing is best. Just like the song says, Waiting for a thousand years. I am not waiting for my guy friend. I am waiting for the time when all my heart's desires will be answered. I am waiting for the time Jesus will wipe my tears, and he would only allow tears of joy. I am simply waiting on my First Love-- Jesus Christ. In Him I have my being.

To you, you know who you are. Thank you.  Declaring God's best blessing in your life. :)

In the Dark

I guess, a wonderful piece, a beautiful masterpiece can be conceived in brokenness or in darkness. Creative juices are being released in not-so likely places or stages in our lives. As a frustrated artist, I believed I have hibernated for so long. I still have personal issues to be dealt with. But I hope that as I work on my issues, Art is God's good gift to me to cope. It will facilitate healing.

After this month, I will turn to you--my first love. PAINTING.COLORS. Just wait. I hope to finish in time. :)

You can always learn from others...saying I'm Sorry

I would like to thank Ate Mide for the date last friday. I enjoyed our time worshiping the Lord at the concert. and I learn a lot from ate Mide on our way home. may I quote what she said to me, "Our obedience to God is God's message of love and grace to other people..." (I know she will post more about this statement in her own blog.)

Sometimes, it seems tiring, but we will never know when our deeds is an act of grace for other people. Many times(even now) I want to give up,to quit and have things my way. But I can't.

What I admire about ate Mide is her transparency. She told me her shortcomings and she is not afraid to tell her faults. I remember one time she dropped by our house and she tutored me then we end up telling one another's burdens and short commings and then we cried and prayed together.

I even admire her for her open letter to Jun. At the end part of it, she said this,

Goodbye Jun. We will surely miss you. I want you to know that we are sorry we couldn't ease your burden and we weren't there when you experienced your deepest hurts. We never wanted you to have lived a difficult life. It is our hope that you are ready to face our creator now that He has taken you home. We love you.love,

Ate Mide

Wow, she said sorry...SORRY, the word I long to hear. These word is unpopular,yet many people longs to hear others to say it to them. If people would be humble enough to say SORRY, how beautiful this life would be.We all hurt, but saying you're sorry is another story. It is when healing takes place for both parties. Saying you're sorry is not a sign of weakness, but humility...letting yourself to be a catalyst for forgiveness. it does not benefit the other, but you yourself will be changed within. remember it is when we say I"m sorry Lord,I ask you to be the Lord and Saviour of my life", is when change truly takes place,coz Jesus desires a willing and a humble heart. Saying sorry is sometimes humiliating, but it is an act of letting yourself to be open for healing.

I'm sorry for the people i hurt...I hurt too...but I choose to say I'm sorry.

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check out ate Mide's blog. http://mideramos.blogspot.com

Dangerous Prayer

I love this statement: "Dangerous Prayer"

I lived a life so un-secure. Not to mention insecurity. I developed in my psyche the attitude to be strong for the longest of time. Other people under estimates me, or just "concerned" with my health condition.

I didn't like it.

I wanted a secure life, full of life and love. A place where I can be me and develop my strengths and attributes to the fullest. I want a life of A D V E N T U R E !!!!

Yet, I'm still here. Waiting. Wrestling with God. Having a fist fight over my comfort zones.- My emotions, mind and will are in constant struggle for the Lordship of Jesus Christ which was offered years ago.

With discipline to be still. It was impressed upon my heart, that I am small. I am but a speck of dust. All along my plans I thought was grand. But still, since it came from me...it is still small.

Then one day, I prayed what I believe, a "Dangerous Prayer".

"Lord, my dreams are small. I'm tired of having things my way. Take it, its Yours..."

The will followed. Or at least, I believe my psyche followed that declaration. I am still haggling my case to God, but now I believe I prayed a dangerous prayer. May He grant me the grace to let go of the temporary and embrace His Lordship and see in the eyes of faith what is in store for me.

I'm tired of being pissed off by people. I guess I can see their hearts. Their hearts mirrors mine. I want my heart will mirror my Lover, my Creator-- Jesus Christ. Let peace reign in my heart. I want to rise on higher ground.

I want to love unconditionally as my Lover did.

I want to live dangerously.